I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
