I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
