got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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