The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
