I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How's work?
Spinning.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
