What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
