Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
even my farts smell like vagina
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
