you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
