My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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