Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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