I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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