My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
