Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Randomize
