How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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