i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
