did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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