she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
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I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
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Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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