i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
