It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
