i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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