why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
