The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
