I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
