i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
