I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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