What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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