Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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