I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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