I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
