My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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