she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
