I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
