I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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