I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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