I wish I could teleport
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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