U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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