and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
