I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
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You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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