I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
