OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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