i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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