it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
