Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
