he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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