mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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