I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just want nice things and good sex
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
