Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
