I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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