You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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