I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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