i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
