My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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