A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
