He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
