I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
