So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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