My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
