My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
