The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
