The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
