he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
